Next Adventure: Advanced Education (PhD in Nursing)

Throughout the beginning stages of the CoViD-19 pandemic, I continuously thought of pursuing my goal of obtaining a PhD in Nursing. I prayed about it, and talked about it, but took no action. After all, I wanted more bedside experience before continuing my education. However, the more I faced challenges at my workplace, the more I felt inclined to (at least) apply.

At work, I voiced my desire to apply to a PhD program. A certain experienced nurse on my unit continuously encouraged me to apply. Another colleague who just started her MSN-FNP program kept me accountable by giving me deadlines on the application I was (very) slowly working on. When I doubted myself, my best friend would help me practically think through my reason for applying. When I did not have the energy after my long CoViD-filled night shifts, another friend would stay awake with me through odd hours to write my supplemental application.

Thus, on April 25th, I submitted my application for Loma Linda University's PhD in Nursing program. I spent countless hours after my work shifts writing, revising, and finalizing my application essays. Before I was even invited for an interview, I wrote myself a note the I left on my laptop screen that answers my question to: "Why are you interested in pursuing the PhD in Nursing now?"

I do this to remind myself that I have a reason in advancing my education. I did not apply "just because." I have a purpose. I have a vision. Please allow me to share this personal note with you.

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During this pandemic, I'm experiencing two different perspectives of nursing: bedside and academia.

As a bedside nurse, caring for CoViD and non-CoViD patients in a very busy Telemetry Unit, I experience everything that you see on the news. I've experienced the shortage of PPE, the anxiety of closely caring for asymptomatic CoViD patients, the fear of not being protected properly and/or being exposed for too long with positive CoViD patients, the inadequate pay, short-staffing, over-ratio care for high acuity patients, lack in supplies -- name it, we've faced it. I work in a community hospital where nurse turnover was high even before the pandemic started. Now, it's normal to see your favorite coworker leave due to burnout. And you can't blame them. They're GREAT nurses who aren't being care for physically, mentally, and emotionally. Why should we expect them to stay?

On the other hand, as a nurse who is still involved and hoping to advance my practice in nurse education, research, and policy, I see everything that ISN'T being shown on the news. I can see, hear, and feel the support of MANY amazing nurses who are advocating for bedside nurses, educating the public, creating policies for safe school re-openings, improving the nursing school curriculum to accommodate the majority, vocalizing the compassion fatigue that nurses have been facing for YEARS (yes - even before the pandemic!), emphasizing the mental health care that we so desperately NEED, and fighting against the lack of resources that we've had for so, so long.

While experiencing these two sides of nursing, I feel both exhausted and empowered.

I feel exhausted from showing up to my bedside job, caring for my patients wholeheartedly, supporting my colleagues as much as I can, and feeling the inadequate quality of care that we're giving due to the limitations we're currently facing. I want to give my patients baths before they sleep, talk to them about their day, ask them about their families, listen to their fears, and essentially, spend more time with them as I did before -- but I can't -- because now I have 5 or 6 patients rather than our usual 4 with no CNAs, no break/resource nurse, and no charge nurse to serve as "extra eyes." I want to help my colleagues and turn off that beeping IV pump, run to the patient's bedside when the bed alarm goes off, and run straight to the room during an emergency -- but I can't -- because first, I need to ask if the patient is positive for CoViD, properly don on and off, and consider if I have non-CoViD patients that I could possibly expose.

When I'm at my bedside job, I constantly pray. I constantly look for the positive perspective. I listen to my colleagues as they talk about their physical and mental exhaustion. I wish them the best of luck when they decide to leave and do what's best for them. Then, I take care of myself so I can continue to care for my patients with my whole being.

My experiences within these short months have led me to decide that the time is now. I'm deciding to pursue my PhD now, because in the midst of this crisis, I feel empowered to become a change agent.

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On July 15th, I had my interview with two faculty members.

On July 31st, I was officially accepted to Loma Linda University's PhD in Nursing program as a part-time student starting this Fall.

However long this new adventure may take, I am so grateful to have the opportunity and privilege to pursue an advanced degree. I will continue to be a voice for the nursing profession. I will continue to be true to myself and to those I serve.

Thank you for joining me in my journey.