Goodbye, 2020.

Annika Bilog
Dec 31, 2020
7 min read

I think we can all agree that 2020 is a year to remember.

Those who know me personally know that I am a goal-setter. However, I really thought that 2020 would be a quiet year since my 2019 was eventful from putting on a conference, graduating from college, becoming a registered nurse, and more blessings I could have not imagined.

I wanted my 2020 to be more focused on "adulting," and learning how to balance my life holistically.

Every year, I set goals for myself. This year, my goals were to:

Be more faithful to God, and foster a closer relationship with Him.
Feel more comfortable working as an independent RN.
Be financially wise.
Keep working on a healthy, holistic relationship with myself.
Relax and enjoy the quiet.

With God's grace through the challenges I faced, I can say that I was able to reach these goals... and beyond. I want to review this year by answering reflective questions I traditionally ask myself at the end of each year.

Romans 12:12 - "Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer."

How would you summarize your year?

Like everyone else, this year has been a rollercoaster. I remember when I was a kid, my parents would force me to go on rollercoaster rides with my little sister because she enjoyed them, but was scared of them. She wouldn't go alone, but she wanted to go.

I am terrified of rollercoasters. But I would go with her anyway with my heart beating loudly, my mind questioning my sanity, and my eyes closed so that I could not see what was about to happen. I went along for the ride and prayed that I survive.

That was 2020. There were highs and lows; sometimes it was bumpy, sometimes it was smooth. But in the end, I'm just thankful that I survived.

What did you accomplish this year?

I unexpectedly accomplished a lot this year!

Whenever I answer this question, I tend to focus professionally:

I started working as an independent nurse in a very busy telemetry unit! In this same unit, I was allowed to precept new graduate nurses and orient travel nurses. I grew and learned so much in this unit.
I obtained my certification to give chemotherapy and transferred to the Oncology unit (which is the original unit I wanted to work in).
I was accepted to give a poster presentation for the Nursing Education Research Conference 2020 (this is a BIG deal for a mere new graduate BSN nurse). I also presented at a virtual conference for the first time!
I was invited to give a workshop at SDSU Leadership Summit (this was a DREAM achieved), and it went well! Additionally, I was given the opportunity to present virtually to high school students, nursing students, nurses, and hold mental health workshops with unspecified audiences.
I started serving as the Director of Programs for Sigma Theta Tau Gamma Gamma Chapter and was invited to join another chapter by the end of the year.
I got into a Ph.D. in Nursing program! This was the most unexpected accomplishment of the year, and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

Personally, I went through a few journeys:

- I grew out my natural hair. This is the first year in 12 years that I have had natural, healthy hair.

- I reached my weight loss goal. Though my debility has caused me to gain back some weight, I was ecstatic to reach that goal and be at the peak of my athletic abilities before my illness.

- I started faithfully serving in church ministry. Though some may not see this as a goal, it is for me. Throughout college, I was in and out of different churches in San Diego, and I did not serve at all. This withdrew me from my relationship with Christ, and I am so thankful to be back in His path once again.

- I paid off 30% of my undergraduate student loans within my first year of paying them back. I am grateful to be in a financial situation that allows me to pay off my debt, and still save for my future.

How did you challenge yourself to grow this year?

I think that most of us can say that 2020's biggest challenge was the CoViD-19 pandemic.

At the beginning of the year, I wanted to challenge myself to grow as an independent nurse. I studied when I was off work so that I was more prepared at the bedside. I asked questions that may have seemed stupid but then allowed me to be more comfortable in my decision-making. I said "yes" to experiences that most nurses did not like, such as floating to different units, getting new assignments mid-shift, or opening the overflow unit so that I could gain those experiences and be more comfortable in clinical practice.

When the pandemic hit my hospital, my biggest challenge was not my lack of experience, but rather the mental burnout that many nurses experienced and are currently experiencing. I noticed myself going to work with a terrible attitude - hoping just to simply keep my patients alive, sleep, and repeat. The quality of care I was giving declined with my mental state, and I recognized that I needed to do something to get myself out of it. I challenged myself to find one positive thing every shift. I sang hymns to myself, prayed to God before, during, and after my shifts, tried to spend as much time with my patients to get to know them, and created friendships with my colleagues. This truly helped me grow not only in my "hard" skills, but also in my ability to clearly communicate, effectively be a part of a team, compassionately and strongly advocate for my patients, and increasingly develop my characteristics as a leader. This also strengthened my faith in God in helping me through seemingly impossible shifts.

Not only did CoViD challenge me professionally, but also personally. When I contracted the virus (it was inevitable as a nurse), it hit me hard. I was hospitalized twice and grew so weak that I had to learn how to walk and breathe again. It has been a little over four months, and I'm still not done with my battle. I am in physical therapy, occupational therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and constantly still have follow-ups with my medical team. I still use a cane to walk, cannot walk far distances, and experience shortness of breath with exertion, muscle aches, and joint pain. This has been absolutely challenging as I am not the most patient person. I like to be active, to be productive, to be of some use. But through this illness, I cannot do as I usually do. I was initially optimistic, but the more I stayed at home, the more I got depressed. I grieved normalcy for a long time. I prayed and prayed and prayed because it was the only thing I could do. Only God can help me. And it was when I challenged myself to push forward, despite the physical and mental pain that I was going through, that I started to see the good from this adversity.

I challenged myself to trust God wholeheartedly. I choose hope over fear. I choose to live rather than hide. I have grown in patience, wisdom, and strength through God's grace.

Psalm 40: 1 - "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry."

What new opportunities came out of the difficulties you faced?

At the beginning of the pandemic, I was counting down the days I can leave the bedside. Every shift, my colleagues and I would talk about graduate school, and moving forward towards our career goals. If it was not for the pandemic, I would not have applied for graduate school - let alone a doctorate program. I have been unable to return to work due to my debility for the past four months. However, applying and getting accepted to graduate school has been a blessing. Because despite not being able to serve at the bedside, at least I am still able to use my "nursing brain" through academics. This has also allowed me to get to know some wonderful nurses who prayed for me and checked in on me throughout my illness.

Another opportunity that has come out of the difficulties I have faced is the chance to strengthen my personal relationships. This year, I have been able to get closer to my parents and my siblings. I have been able to spend more time with them and get to know them. My relationship with my friends also strengthened. I have known who my true friends are, and I am grateful that they have been by my side through this year's challenges.

Most importantly, my difficulties this year allowed me to re-evaluate my relationship with God. It is easy to question and become angry with Him when bad things happen. It is easy to ask Him why He would allow such things to happen to me. But this year's challenges truly opened my eyes to the strength only HE can give me when I focus on Him, and Him alone. I often pray for God to help me be more faithful to Him... and in 2020, He allowed me to see that He has been and will continuously be present for me.

When I had a hard time at work, I sought Him. When I thought I was going to die, I had comfort in Him. When my mind was filled with doubt, He showed me His presence daily.

What lesson(s) did you learn?

Your first instinct should be to pray.
Remember that when you do not know, God knows.
It is okay that things do not go my way, as long as it still goes with God's way.
Just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it's not real.
Instead of praying for "a quick and full recovery," I much prefer praying for patience in my recovery. This helped me accept my situation and move forward.
A fast pace does not equate to a good pace. Moving slowly has allowed me to become more mindful, observant, and even-tempered.
I should not measure my worth based on my productivity.
Resting will allow me to do so much more. This lesson took me a long time to realize, but it has truly helped me during the past month.
Depend on your community. Seek help. God has put people in your life for a reason. They love you and they are there for you.
Stop, look, and listen. This doesn't only go for driving, but also in how I need to treat my body, my mind, and my life.